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Happy in My Own Skin?????


If a group of us sat and took time to look at this picture, and I mean really looked at this picture, we would all see different things…

So go on…

Give it a try right now…

Tell me what you see?

I am sure if you look long enough some of you may think it tells a story, some may find it triggers a distant memory .. and for some of you its just a picture right? What ever you see, its personal to you, its your vision, how you see it, no one elses.

So, each day following weight loss surgery is much of a muchness. I see the same people Monday-Friday more or less which does not present a problem. However, I find I am more nervous of meeting the ones I dont see that often. All sorts go through my head before, during and after we meet. What are they going to think? What are they going to say? What are they thinking now? Do they think I’ve changed?

This week I met up with a friend I have not seen for about 6 months. It was lovely to catch up but also a little nerve racking – FriendsWithBenefits* and boy did I need those benefits.

We had a lovely evening, went for a walk, enjoyed a meal and live music and headed back to the hotel quite late. Gulp! Thats when panic set in. I wanted to have a bath and go to bed and in order for me to do that I actually needed to get undressed…

I even made the point of buying myself a pair of new full length PJ’s to wear complete with hoodie. I did not want him to see me. The lbs are melting away but where the blubber has gone the skin remains, just hanging, you know, chilling out around my belly, arms, inner thighs, buttocks, chin – just waiting for my Lottery Numbers to come up and for me to go running off to the nearest ‘fully trained, reputable, registered and ever so competent, experienced plastic surgeon’.                    I wont even go there with the tits… I can now fold them like a Tortilla wrap and stuff them into my bra!!!

In Setember 2010 I fit the skin I was in, actually, let me rephrase that – I outsretched it just a little bit LOL ..

But now….

Anyway, things were going well, I had a lovely soak in the bath, got myself all cosey in bed trying to look all sultry and seductive drinking a cuppa tea.

Things started to warm up when he said those words  ‘get on top’

I could of died…

I refused!

Bless him, he didnt insist, he never would and I never raised it with him afterwards. We normally talk about everything… but I just pushed this under the carpet.

Because my weight loss surgery was ‘open’ my scar starts from my breast bone and ends at my belly button. Over the last 16 months it has become more and more keloid in its appearance. My abdomen has more stretch mark  tram lines than a map of not just England, but the entire UK!

As I type, all the emotions come back. The brick walls I seem to be continually putting up are getting higher and higher. When I was heavier I was aware I was too big, and hated who was looking back at me in the mirror. Here I am at 16 months post op and I think I may actually be worse now than I was before… I know this is work in progress, and I am not saying I am not happy about the weight I have lost. Just wished that when I stand infront of the mirror in all my glory, I felt happier about what I saw; and maybe then, I wouldnt worry about what others see.

Happy in my own skin???

Think you know the answer to that one 🙂

Mitzi x

 

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~ I said No Turkey for me thanks! ~


‘Merry Christmas Everyone’

Hope you are all enjoying the weekend 🙂

I have not written for a while so thought I would make the most of the time I have today and knock something up!

Christmas…. hmmmmmm… where shall I start with this one?

Are you sitting comfortably?

Yes?

Then I’ll begin 🙂

Do you like my tree? I am sat right next to it at the moment so took this lil picture. I am home alone this afternoon, and quite enjoying the peace and quiet and most of all the remote control is all mine mmuuaaahhhh. Only one problem, there’s shite on the TV.. ggrrrrr.

‘Blogger Time

When I was a little girl I loved our humble Christmas’s at home – my mum, dad, my 2 sisters and brother. We never had much and we were not exactly The Waltons but Christmas was centred around catholicism, the simple things and it was always a special time for all of us. We opened our gifts, and played with those until it was time for dinner. We had food, but it was never about feeding the 5,000!!

But then I met my husband… or should I say my husband and his family…

Every Christmas day we had to go to his parents. There was always so much food. Too much if the truth be known, not sure why as everyone in his family are super slim.

And then there was me!!

In the begining I was questioned at the dinner table about my size, what I ate, have I always been big, did I like eat alot of cream cakes (hate cream cakes!) 😦

After that moment I never really looked forward to any family occassion there. My mother in law always laid the table with all the food so we could help ourselves but when everyone had eaten what was on their plate and there was still food in the serving dishes it was always me that everyone would look at when the much dreaded words came out of her mouth.

‘More Turkey Mitzi’?

‘Brussel sprout? roast potatoe? stuffing? parsnips? trifle? mince pie???? aaaarrrggghhhhhhhh

I get it, yeah the token fat person has to be the sweeper upper.

If ever I said no I didnt want anything ‘no thank you’ it was like the reverse of that scene from Oliver Twist!!

‘Nooooo?? – what do you mean you dont want anymore?’

Nobody else had this fuckin’ pressure!!

4 years ago I decided not to do the extended Family Christmas anymore. Things had progressed. His parents were now divorced but it never ended. Now remarried we were all expected to do Christmas day at his mothers then Christmas Day again at his fathers on Boxing Day! So I have to sit and go through this twice…. god help me :-/ and always the late buffet with white bread rolls filled with butter, thick slabs of cheeses, meats, pork pies, trifles more damn trifles, cakes, vol- ou- fuking vaints, sausage rolls and the rest… and chocolates… Eat Mitzi Eat Mitzi Eat Eat Eat…I love chocolate but how can one enjoy it when ones already eaten so fucking much!!

(huge sigh..)

Time for Change’

Now I spend more time with my sister and brother over the festivities. They are both younger and both single and would normally spend time with their friends. Some years we go traditional, others we have what we fancie, we just chill, talk, drink, laugh and spend quality time together.

As the eldest I feel I have neglected them at this time of year to keep my extended family happy..

It never goes down very well year in year out, but I am happier this way. Last year I was 3 months post op and didnt need the drama as I was vomitting at every move I made. This year me and my siblings went out for our Christmas Dinner on the evening of the 19th December. I brought my kids along with me and we had a fantastic night. I actually ordered 3 course, paced myself and enjoyed it. I hope this slide show works. I shared the wings, had a quarter of my main meal and ate alllll the desert with no ill effects (still got my sweet tooth) and had a few sips of the non alchoholic cocktail which was yummy.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Oooops think thats enough rambling, I’m headed to the kitchen to rustle myself up something to eat.

Hope your all enjoying yourselves and have eaten your protein and not had too many carbs today, and oh

PS: Dont forget ya vitamins. 🙂

Mitzi x x

 

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Compliments!!


I came out of a room into the corridor at work today when this voice behind me said ‘you dont half look small from the back Mitzi!’

It was one of the staff Jules. She complimented me on how good I was looking and asked me what size clothes I was wearing and how much I weighed now. When I told her she was like, ‘your catching me up girl, if you lose anymore I’m gona have to go on a diet’  she gave me a huge hug and then we went for lunch to share some of the  pumpkin soup one of the other girls had made 🙂

Really made me beam, gota learn to do that more.

Its funny though, when compliments come my way I still struggle with them.

After years of being big I still see a big person looking back at me in the mirror.

Only took a few words but Jules brought some sunshine into a week of high blood pressure and constant headaches.

Mitzi x

 

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Fat Friends


Within my close circle of BBW (Big Beautiful Women) friends I am the one that has taken steps to address my weight issues and have weight loss surgery.

I confided in 2 of them prior to my operation as I did not want to be judged!

It must of been the shock!
The response was a real mixed bag ranging from
‘oh, you can die from that.
‘ you don’t need it doing.’
‘ your not big’
‘ your cheating’
‘ its not for me that!!’.
To list just a few.

I am now 13 months post op and its lovely to get the compliments as my friends see the ‘Heffa’ transforming.
But each time we meet I dread the conversations because I don’t really want to talk about my journey with them.

I know its not for them and I don’t really want to force the issue. They don’t really understand because they are ‘apparently’ happy with their size and don’t want to make any lifestyle changes.

So Saturday, the booze is flowing,

BTW I have a new love for Vodka! 🙂
.
Anyway, we’re gassing and one of the girls is like
‘ I can’t believe you have lost all that weight and you don’t have any wrinkles on your face?’
Wanna see wrinkles – I showed her my tits!! Stopped short of showing her my inner thighs and bingo wings thou – public place en all.

Then there’s the awkward moment when someone says
‘ the problem with people that have WLS is.. I don’t mean you Mitz..
ooooops.

It’s not the same anymore….

The conversation then gets a bit tense … And I start to feel increasingly conscious of the fact that no longer am I the biggest in the pack anymore but indeed the smallest…

Cheesy Grin :-D!!

Then I feel guilty!!

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