I have no idea how I want this to pan out. Or what I want from this. In the beginning all I wanted was someone to hold me and let me know that everything would be ok.
But soon I got more and more involved.
I fell in love with the man I was having an affair with…
Don’t judge me as you read. This is only a snap shot of 26 years in a relationship that was filled with love, so much love.. but things changed.
I am still living in my marital home. But NOT sharing the same bed, not for 7 years now. I see myself as separated until the divorce is sorted. He sees us as married and still a family…
I have had my moments of weakness and been errrr adulterous over the years, got involved in all sorts of fetishes, groups and stuff which was fun but not fullfilling. But about 2 years ago I met someone different.
We got on well. We are different in many ways, but share some similarities. We clicked. And sexually we bonded. Intimacy is very important to me ffs, not letting that one go.
But there’s a but. A huge one. As much as I love the intimacy the situation is not conducive. We live miles apart, he is happily married and we don’t see each other for months on end.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not reliant on a man, only for killing spiders and drilling hole, probs lifting something heavy. In my home I am the main earner and keep the family going, kids, bills etc. But what I am missing now is having someone to turn to everyday for ME.
Someone just for ME.. to kiss good morning when I rise and then good night before I zZzzzzzzzzzzzz, to come home to at the end of a long day to steal a hug from when I need it to be able to share my work day shit with. Just someone that will say ‘hey – Mitzi, how’s it going?’… or call me at work once in a while for a chat about stuff rather than ‘did you put the bin out and have you left the money to pay the window cleaner’.
I quite fancy a date night, and this time of year is always worse for me.
For the 3rd time this week I am sat in a coffee shop contemplating, reflecting.. I’m always bloody thinking…
Toffee Apple Latte almost gone
I don’t feel significantly great about my situation. It’s my own doing. But what I am trying to understand is where I fit. And I don’t think I fit into any equation.
We spoke yesterday, he thinks I am rejecting him because I have not contacted him much of late. It’s self preservation I think.
But, When the call ended I realised how much I miss him.
Still love him even though I am trying to stop that.
He makes me feel warmth just from a conversation and all I did was listen.
My situation is very different. He has someone, I don’t.
I don’t go out looking, I chose to stick with him because I feel we have a strong connection and a good friendship. We have split before, but we lasted a week before starting to chat again.
Sometimes I ask myself what does he see in me?
Why does he meet me when he has everything he needs at home
I just wish I had that..
My Toffee Apple Latte has now gone …
Time to go home…..
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